I stumbled across your writing on addiction and recovery years ago - thank you for all you have shared. Your story is raw, heartbreaking, and relatable but mostly a source of hope/inspiration. 10 years is fucking huge - congratulations!
Go Xanderman! Nice memoir... looking forward to reading the second part. There are some great lines in this piece:
-Imagine if a sex addict were only allowed hand jobs. Such was the hollow agony of its relief.
-There’s already a fire in you, she said. But you keep trying to light it with gasoline.
-I’d been racing toward like a maniac my whole life, another fucking startup gone, another comeback turned embarrassing failure, only there was no helpful country cop to buy me coffee this time, no money to call Kayvo, just me and this itchy ass rug and the truth that I was never going to stop, not like this, not on my own.
My goodness Alex, couldn’t put it down. What a stunning, relentless piece of writing.
“I cruised through the redwood darkness, so far from God but so near to meeting Him. The speedometer climbed past rational thought; seventy miles per hour on serpentine roads that twisted like the lies I’d been telling myself, where each curve was taken on faith that the next one wouldn’t be the last, the moon following me through the canopy like a conspirator who knew exactly what kind of madman leaves his bride sleeping alone the night before their wedding to chase drugs through wine country, knew and didn’t judge, just watched as I pushed the accelerator harder, trying to outrun the withdrawal already whispering in my bones that this would never be enough, there would never be enough. I would always be stealing from tomorrow to pay for tonight.”
Incredible story, the rawness here is something else. That final scene on the rug captures someting most addiction narratives miss, the way surrender isn't a decision so much as an exhaustion of every other option. I've seen folks try to white-knuckle their way through recovery and it usually ends badly. What stands out is how the chemical calibration became a full-time job unto itself.
I appreciate you noticing that, because the nuance of rock bottom is quite difficult to articulate, especially for the non-initiated. It's the difference in being "done for now" versus done for good. These days I can even sometimes feel where a person is on that (reductive) binary. And yes, ugh, it totally became a full-time job. Thanks so much for this.
"... this looseness, this sense that the world was finally arranged correctly—was how things were supposed to feel... " My first experience EXACTLY (also freshman year). This piece is so f****** good! I bet you give a helluva lead. Thank you for this Alex. Among many other things it achieves, it lets us all know we aren't alone (AND we aren't unique). 05/24/09
Wow, it's hard to stop reading there.
More please. 💞🙏😊
I'm 2 years sober.
Congrats, Briana, on 2 years - so huge. Glad to be on the path with you
Thank you Alex, and likewise!!
Yes! I wanted to go straight into the next chapter
I stumbled across your writing on addiction and recovery years ago - thank you for all you have shared. Your story is raw, heartbreaking, and relatable but mostly a source of hope/inspiration. 10 years is fucking huge - congratulations!
Would love to read a memoir some day.
P.s. I’ll hit 8 months sober in t-minus 2 days ☺️
Epic, man. I haven't been this captivated by a piece of writing in some time. Just brilliant.
A major goal would be to write 7k words that captivate Daddy Brooks from start to finish!
Alex, you have many gifts, thanks for sharing your story. You have always carried a spark for learning.
Love to you and all those you love.💕
Thank you so much, Barbara, for reading, and your steadfast support. Love right back at you.
Go Xanderman! Nice memoir... looking forward to reading the second part. There are some great lines in this piece:
-Imagine if a sex addict were only allowed hand jobs. Such was the hollow agony of its relief.
-There’s already a fire in you, she said. But you keep trying to light it with gasoline.
-I’d been racing toward like a maniac my whole life, another fucking startup gone, another comeback turned embarrassing failure, only there was no helpful country cop to buy me coffee this time, no money to call Kayvo, just me and this itchy ass rug and the truth that I was never going to stop, not like this, not on my own.
Thank you so much, Danielle. And lol, I'm also quite found of the hollow agony one :)
Beautiful writing. Well done, many thanks and more please!
Thank you, Piers!
That was really good. Congrats on ten years. What a thing, right?
What a wild, weird ass, beautiful thing, indeed. And thank you, Laura, I love your work.
“I would always be stealing from tomorrow to pay for tonight.”
Riveting read. This is tremendous writing. You capture it so well. The slow yet all of a sudden rapture of addiction.
Congrats on 10 years.
Ooooh: the slow yet all of sudden rapture... precisely. Thank you for reading, Allison, and for this.
Vivid, compelling, CONVINCING! I would love to get a sequel about the early stages of recovery. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thanks so much, Fred, for reading and for the encouragement!
Chills. Wow, Alex. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so much, Dana, for reading, and for this. Glad to be on the path with you.
My goodness Alex, couldn’t put it down. What a stunning, relentless piece of writing.
“I cruised through the redwood darkness, so far from God but so near to meeting Him. The speedometer climbed past rational thought; seventy miles per hour on serpentine roads that twisted like the lies I’d been telling myself, where each curve was taken on faith that the next one wouldn’t be the last, the moon following me through the canopy like a conspirator who knew exactly what kind of madman leaves his bride sleeping alone the night before their wedding to chase drugs through wine country, knew and didn’t judge, just watched as I pushed the accelerator harder, trying to outrun the withdrawal already whispering in my bones that this would never be enough, there would never be enough. I would always be stealing from tomorrow to pay for tonight.”
Felt like I was right there with you.
Nick, thank you so much. And I needed you there for that stretch :)
Gripped from the first word. Can't wait to read more!
Thank you, Gabrielle, for the encouragement <3
This is stunning, man. Beautifully done. Major, major congrats.
Thank you, deep bow my fellow Alex brother
Incredible story, the rawness here is something else. That final scene on the rug captures someting most addiction narratives miss, the way surrender isn't a decision so much as an exhaustion of every other option. I've seen folks try to white-knuckle their way through recovery and it usually ends badly. What stands out is how the chemical calibration became a full-time job unto itself.
I appreciate you noticing that, because the nuance of rock bottom is quite difficult to articulate, especially for the non-initiated. It's the difference in being "done for now" versus done for good. These days I can even sometimes feel where a person is on that (reductive) binary. And yes, ugh, it totally became a full-time job. Thanks so much for this.
Wow. Wow. Love this one.
Thank you, Isabel!
"... this looseness, this sense that the world was finally arranged correctly—was how things were supposed to feel... " My first experience EXACTLY (also freshman year). This piece is so f****** good! I bet you give a helluva lead. Thank you for this Alex. Among many other things it achieves, it lets us all know we aren't alone (AND we aren't unique). 05/24/09
Ah, no way - they got us. But wait, is 5/24/09 your sobriety birthday?
We aren't alone nor unique, indeed. Thank you so much, Gina.
It is! Best day ever ❤️
Wow! I’ve heard many pieces of this story before but it’s so good to read it all at once in long form. Those numbers are grim!
And the ending just really nailed it. Gives me goosebumps and reminds me of 11 pm 11th of February 2022. Almost 4 years for me.
Congrats on reaching 10 and thanks again for using your story to inspire others. Big hugs