The Struggle to Find Male Role Models

Deep Rex Vol 7.

“Deep Rex” (recommendations) is my ongoing series of mini-essays/recs for paid subscribers.

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Dudes, hang out and journey with me next month? I’m hosting a “Deep Reset” men’s retreat in Nevada City with my dear friend and nervous system expert Jonny Miller. We’ll do embodied men’s work explorations, two breathwork journeys, sauna sessions, ice baths, and (just because it’s delicious) catered food at a truly remarkable venue. Think: full nervous system reset, and plenty more. We also have a few scholarship slots so encourage all who are interested to apply.

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1. Speaking of dudes… this was an excellent (and unusually) nuanced article from The Washington Post about the state of modern masculinity.

Joining the long tradition of feminists writing poignant commentaries on masculinity, it is noteworthy that the article is written by a woman—to the great benefit of the piece. Many have quipped: only Alexis de Tocqueville, a Frenchman, could have written Democracy in America. A third-person, even bird’s eye, point of view is often required to achieve the greatest possible objectivity.

The article, in particular, describes how the online “manosphere”—defined by its puerile and dangerous macho-masculinity—has emerged to fill a gap left by the postmodern void that tells men to be sensitive “soyboys.” Heavy sigh. As far as I can tell, the manosphere is an inevitable and pendular counterpoint to dwelling in a “post-Truth” culture. That it has seduced so many impressionable young men into admiring the likes of Andrew Tate is nothing short of tragic.

For a lot of men I know, they don’t want to be artificially sensitive, and they also don’t want to be macho jerks. They want to feel competent and earn a good living, but they are also proud if their spouse happens to be the breadwinner. They mostly just yearn for permission to be whatever they already are.

The problem is that there are few examples and proper role models for us to look up to—because digital audience capture dynamics skew so many to the extremes. Moderation and complexity are rarely clickbait. I cannot tell you how hard it is to find a male role model who balances sense, spirit, strength, and heart.

Typical of the author’s nuance:

“Despite a push by some advocates to make everything from bathrooms to birthing gender-neutral, most people don’t actually want a completely androgynous society. And if a new model for masculinity is going to find popular appeal, it will depend on putting the distinctiveness of men to good use in whatever form it comes.”

Crucial to her point is that modern “masculinity” has too much become a clone of traditional “feminity”:

“To the extent that any vision of ‘nontoxic’ masculinity is proposed, it ends up sounding more like stereotypical femininity than anything else: Guys should learn to be more sensitive, quiet and socially apt, seemingly overnight. It’s the equivalent of ‘learn to code!’ as a solution for those struggling to adjust to a new economy: simultaneously hectoring, dismissive and jejune.”

While this article has been widely and deservedly shared, one of the most underappreciated points the author makes is the persistent sexual desirability of “masculinity,” emphasis mine:

“This tracked with my intuitions about what ‘good masculinity” might look like — the sort that I actually admire, the sort that women I know find attractive but often can’t seem to find at all.”

As the author explains, primary and traditionally “masculine” roles of provider, protector, and yes, procreator continue to be desirable in men—by both women and men. Men gain self-esteem from such roles, and is it so surprising women still value men who actually step up? My single friends point to one of the most bandied phrases on women’s dating app profiles: “Seeking a man with a ‘provider mindset.’” That this is also an issue of economic disempowerment, on all sides of the gender equation, is a topic for a different essay.

Though the author, perhaps wisely, eschews the opportunity to offer a specific prognosis—a way out, a way forward—I interpret her conclusions to be three-fold:

1. It is good for all of society for men to continue embodying many traditionally masculine traits; just please don’t be a dickish oppressor.

2. We must learn to embrace Strength as a typically (and desirably) masculine trait—without considering Weakness to be a feminine one!

3. The majority of men still value in themselves many traditionally masculine traits; the majority of women value that in their men too. And it’s tragic and dangerous that this is a controversial thing to say.

Seen through the lens of integral theory, culture evolves by transcending and including what came before. To clarify, this doesn’t involve stubbornly grasping onto outdated versions of patriarchal masculinity. Rather, it involves acknowledging the strength of certain traditionally “masculine” traits as we navigate beyond conventional gender binaries and co-create a new paradigm.

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2. Healthy Addictions.

I’m spending the month in Costa Rica and met the founders of the apparel company Healthy Addictions (link below). Their mission is to change the meaning of “addict” and bring positivity and awareness to the things you love and crave.

Obviously, I’m all about this message. I believe addiction is everywhere: inescapable, even inevitable.

In contemporary recovery circles, the word “addict” has become somewhat taboo, almost verboten. If the purpose is to reduce shame, and thereby empower, then to obsessively refer to “people suffering from addiction” simply furthers the stigmatization of the word “addict.” (Not to mention being a linguistic nightmare.)

I am an addict, many of you are addicts. And that’s okay. Know how you know? Because we’re talking about it openly, without shame. Behaving—and communicating—as though we have no shame will seismically help us shed the shame we do not deserve.

What I love about this mission is that it’s a purposeful semantic creep—attempting to reclaim and thereby redefine the word.  As George Orwell, in his essay “Politics and the English Language,” explains: once a signifier is redefined, so too is the signified. Language matters.

Addicted to Love, Meditation, Kittens, Surfing… you should get one of these shirts and support them. I’d like it to be known: this is the first affiliate link I’ve ever shared. DFx readers get a discount, please use coupon code: ADDICTED007.

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3. Videos by me! At the encouragement of several friends and mentors, I’ve begun experimenting with making short videos, like this one: