This resonated so much. You're a great example of what it means to be honest with oneself and with others. For those of us who are dependent on receiving approval and permission, your self-reflection and vulnerability is important prompt to do my own reflection. It is crucial that we learn to silence those agonizing cravings for approval and to ignore the shame we feel inside when we imagine all the embarrassing ways we didn't measure up or aren't special enough. You reminded me to do the most good I'm capable of and to stop measuring the value of my contribution against what others are doing. They have their own calling, as we all do.
I feel ya. Methinks EVERYONE has been down that path. That approval-seeking starts VERY early in childhood. And attachment is the matrix out of which it develops because we are SO dependent on our parents, especially as young children. Depending on our style of attachment (secure, ambivalent, avoidant or disorganized) the WAY we seek approval or acceptance can variably considerably. Because belonging is one of the most profound human needs, a child will very early in life develop mechanisms to cope with the anxiety of failing to meet his/her parents' approval or acceptance. As an avoidantly attached child, I simply withdrew and dwelled in a daydreaming bubble of fantasy. (Needless to say, this can also devolve into living in a state of denial!) Another child might become the perfect goody-two shoes. Another child might become a people pleaser. Another child might act out to get attention, and so on. I am not sure that this isn't a universal conundrum because we are all social animals who live in a web of relationships. As is often said, no wo/man is an island. But as adults, we can through mindfulness bring awareness to our default strategies so as to loosen their hold on our psyches. Above all, accepting ourselves, instead of judging ourselves, will open the way to becoming whole, joyful human beings.
Sep 9, 2022·edited Sep 9, 2022Liked by Alex Olshonsky
Excellent piece on the most difficult habit to break. Are you familiar with the work of Julian Jaynes? He claimed that in the past human consciousness consisted of what he calls the "Bicameral Mind". We would hallucinate societal demands inside our head, and then do them. This was a brittle social system which only worked in very simple societies. We began to put distance between hearing the command and doing the action. In this space, we learned to choose; the knowledge of good and evil.
It's an out there idea, but was fairly well received by the philosophy and neuroscience communities. It's a good lens to view this post. We are so concerned about how others feel about us because our proto-consciousness was a social conscience dictating our actions.
Beautiful piece, feels straight from the heart honest. Also had a good chuckle reading this line: “The new parent can be a corporation, church, government, business, military branch, essential oil multi-level marketing scheme, etc. In my case, I sought approval from Big Daddy Tech, boners on the San Francisco skyline.”
This resonated so much. You're a great example of what it means to be honest with oneself and with others. For those of us who are dependent on receiving approval and permission, your self-reflection and vulnerability is important prompt to do my own reflection. It is crucial that we learn to silence those agonizing cravings for approval and to ignore the shame we feel inside when we imagine all the embarrassing ways we didn't measure up or aren't special enough. You reminded me to do the most good I'm capable of and to stop measuring the value of my contribution against what others are doing. They have their own calling, as we all do.
‘But the pain of remaining the same became greater than the fear of changing.’
Alex, I continue to learn and resonate with your authentic reflections. Thank you. 🙏
I feel ya. Methinks EVERYONE has been down that path. That approval-seeking starts VERY early in childhood. And attachment is the matrix out of which it develops because we are SO dependent on our parents, especially as young children. Depending on our style of attachment (secure, ambivalent, avoidant or disorganized) the WAY we seek approval or acceptance can variably considerably. Because belonging is one of the most profound human needs, a child will very early in life develop mechanisms to cope with the anxiety of failing to meet his/her parents' approval or acceptance. As an avoidantly attached child, I simply withdrew and dwelled in a daydreaming bubble of fantasy. (Needless to say, this can also devolve into living in a state of denial!) Another child might become the perfect goody-two shoes. Another child might become a people pleaser. Another child might act out to get attention, and so on. I am not sure that this isn't a universal conundrum because we are all social animals who live in a web of relationships. As is often said, no wo/man is an island. But as adults, we can through mindfulness bring awareness to our default strategies so as to loosen their hold on our psyches. Above all, accepting ourselves, instead of judging ourselves, will open the way to becoming whole, joyful human beings.
Excellent piece on the most difficult habit to break. Are you familiar with the work of Julian Jaynes? He claimed that in the past human consciousness consisted of what he calls the "Bicameral Mind". We would hallucinate societal demands inside our head, and then do them. This was a brittle social system which only worked in very simple societies. We began to put distance between hearing the command and doing the action. In this space, we learned to choose; the knowledge of good and evil.
It's an out there idea, but was fairly well received by the philosophy and neuroscience communities. It's a good lens to view this post. We are so concerned about how others feel about us because our proto-consciousness was a social conscience dictating our actions.
Beautiful piece, feels straight from the heart honest. Also had a good chuckle reading this line: “The new parent can be a corporation, church, government, business, military branch, essential oil multi-level marketing scheme, etc. In my case, I sought approval from Big Daddy Tech, boners on the San Francisco skyline.”
One of my favourite pieces you’ve written. Resonated hard, glad I saved it and have had these quiet few days to work through what I’ve missed.