The tension between these 2 ways of being is pretty much always on my mind these days. I put up a post-it a few weeks ago naming it being willful vs having willingness.....to help me remember that I don't always have to stay in the comfort of being willing: willing to witness, hang back and validate and allow and hold space for another's breakthrough ~ this way of being is firmly rooted in codependency for me; it allows me to be comfortable by not threatening another's person's comfort zone. Being willful is my growth edge: saying what I see w/out ego but with clarity, directness. It feels scary to possibly alienate a loved one but I've sacrificed myself to that story most of my life and I just can't honor that anymore. My experimental compass is to track how I feel on the inside as I'm listening/witnessing; am I accruing frustration or resentment, or am I in spacious listening? If the former then I'm being inauthentic and either I am being asked to either speak up or discern the judgment that is arising and take responsibility for the trigger....it can be confusing to tell which one it is for me bc I don't have this figured out at all but I'm learning and it feels really good to be a freer and more authentic version of myself. xo
track how I feel on the inside as I'm listening/witnessing; am I accruing frustration or resentment, or am I in spacious listening? If the former then I'm being inauthentic and either I am being asked to either speak up or discern the judgment that is arising and take responsibility for the trigger.
So so good. Thank you, Laura. This notion of accruing resentment will stick with me.
I think I have learned that being direct is an avenue when there is already a foundation of trust. If that isn't there, you haven't earned the right to be that direct nor will it be received. I also have learned the middle ground of a more direct Socratic approach, the direct hard hitting question the other person (or myself) needs to answer. Being effective in being direct, not directness for personal satisfaction, takes intention and can only be a useful tool if you calculate the interpersonal dynamics. Great, interesting piece...thank you.
I’m a very direct, straightforward and honest. That’s how I roll. And I’ve discovered time and time again that many people don’t like that especially when you’re a woman. Someone gave me good advice about how to modify my behavior when my first instinct might be to offer advice is to ask, “do you want me to just listen? Or do you want my feedback?” As much as I like to help others, honoring other people’s preferences is important. I didn’t realize how annoying I was being until a close friend starting offer me unsolicited advice. I was like, “Cut that out! Now!” I guess I learned something. It works both ways. lol.
The foundation of trust is huge. Socrates embodies that middle way... a gadfly stinging the lazy horse of Athens into action and a midwife helping others birth their own wisdom
I think it's the addict personality, or DNA strand, or whatever it is, which is "all or nothing", and I have that thing also. It has served me very well in some areas, and very poorly in others. You are right - be like water.
But then is it possible to take the all-or-nothing tendency into moderation itself? I honestly don't know lol
As a somatic practitioner, navigating when to offer gentle guidance or direct truth is an art that requires finely-honed intuition. It's a skill cultivated over time and deepened through ongoing practice, allowing you to sense the right moments to provide that unfiltered insight. A dear friend and student of mine once told me I’m intense, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s another key…having an established relationship and understanding of someone’s needs.
Really smart, I appreciate this essay. I think you hit the nail on the head at the end, with the call for either directness or softness coming from beyond the thinking mind. We can trust that our directness serves because it comes from a place that is not egoic; it’s rooted in our trust of our own feelings. That kind of response is going to have to come into Western therapeutic rooms if they have any hope of healing via authentic relationship, which is one where both parties express themselves, I feel.
Supporting every inner-transformation there are two wolves — a Joe Hudson-type figure dishing out the fierce love + a Steve March-esque spaceholder vibing with self-unfoldment — which one do you feed? ;)
I think for me the question comes down to love and discernment. There are clearly times when some gentle patience and understanding is the loving, understanding way to handle something. Other times it is more loving to tell people the truths they are hiding from themselves, despite being harsh or blunt to hear.
There are times in which mistakes will happen, but it is my opinion that if the love and good intentions are there, and you are paying attention, you will feel the right way to proceed most times.
I listen to my gut instinct. It's never wrong! One of the valuable skills I learned in recovery is to listen to my gut. So important with a sponsee. Some can take it hard and some need it soft. When I'm getting in touch with what someone needs, I feel like I'm on a high wire - which way is the wind blowing?? <3
I love this, Alex. I feel like most important things are a balance of seeming opposites. This example resonated deeply with me, as I have been told and witnessed that my “passion” can scare people. I’ve also learned to be quiet and still and present through sitting with the dying. Now, when I am with another human, and I feel the passion rise, I go deep to find the source before I let it fly. “Is this me needing to make a point or prove something to myself? Or am I truly tapping in to the soul in front of me who needs to borrow my passion for a moment so they can tap into their own?” I’m not perfect at pausing and successfully analyzing this important question yet, but I get better at it every time I try.
Absolutely excellent piece! Don't we all experience this dilemma in our lives? Laura's comment about being "willing" is "firmly rooted in codependency" resonated deeply with me. After years of being married to a man who could be ruthlessly insensitive and even abusive at times, I was finally able to recognize that I desperately needed to be able to assert my myself. I could no longer feel safe with him continually saying he wanted to put me "six feet under"! I consulted with a lawyer about getting a divorce, because I wasn't sure if I even had a case! Even though I was not religious, having been raised Catholic I STILL felt guilty about entertaining the notion because, after all, marriage was for "until death do us part!" Besides, how could I deprive my three sons of their father? I had somehow allowed myself to believe that the marriage was failing because I did not love my husband enough. Even after meeting with the lawyer I was unable to take the first step. Ironically it was my BODY that communicated the urgent need for action! For about a month after the meeting, I experienced an unusual response to eating. I'd get intense stomach pains which, I discovered after a week, could only be relieved by vomiting. After a few weeks, I went to the doctor who could find nothing wrong with me. Desperate, I decided to try a Reiki practitioner recommended to me by a woman I'd met. Because I was still a bit skeptical of "new age" alternative practitioners, I intentionally did not relay what was ailing me. She directed me to lie face down on her table and after passing her hands over my back, asked me if I had been trying to empower myself. I was struck by the cogency of this question. She proceeded to do what seemed like hocus pocus, never even touching my body and I thought to myself I had just wasted $75! After the session I finally shared what my symptoms had been. She reassured me I could eat anything! I initially I didn't believe her, but she was right. The stomach troubles were over! Thinking back on her initial question, as well as realizing that my health issue revolved around my solar plexus, the chakra associated self-assertion and empowerment, I realized my body was communicating my resistance to its wisdom.
Wow, Larissa, thank you so much for sharing this. Appreciate you pointing out that it was your body that communicated the urgency, as the body always seems to carry that deeper intelligence. And what a testimonial for Reiki. That's wild. Do you still receive it?
The tension between these 2 ways of being is pretty much always on my mind these days. I put up a post-it a few weeks ago naming it being willful vs having willingness.....to help me remember that I don't always have to stay in the comfort of being willing: willing to witness, hang back and validate and allow and hold space for another's breakthrough ~ this way of being is firmly rooted in codependency for me; it allows me to be comfortable by not threatening another's person's comfort zone. Being willful is my growth edge: saying what I see w/out ego but with clarity, directness. It feels scary to possibly alienate a loved one but I've sacrificed myself to that story most of my life and I just can't honor that anymore. My experimental compass is to track how I feel on the inside as I'm listening/witnessing; am I accruing frustration or resentment, or am I in spacious listening? If the former then I'm being inauthentic and either I am being asked to either speak up or discern the judgment that is arising and take responsibility for the trigger....it can be confusing to tell which one it is for me bc I don't have this figured out at all but I'm learning and it feels really good to be a freer and more authentic version of myself. xo
Whoa, THIS:
track how I feel on the inside as I'm listening/witnessing; am I accruing frustration or resentment, or am I in spacious listening? If the former then I'm being inauthentic and either I am being asked to either speak up or discern the judgment that is arising and take responsibility for the trigger.
So so good. Thank you, Laura. This notion of accruing resentment will stick with me.
I think I have learned that being direct is an avenue when there is already a foundation of trust. If that isn't there, you haven't earned the right to be that direct nor will it be received. I also have learned the middle ground of a more direct Socratic approach, the direct hard hitting question the other person (or myself) needs to answer. Being effective in being direct, not directness for personal satisfaction, takes intention and can only be a useful tool if you calculate the interpersonal dynamics. Great, interesting piece...thank you.
I’m a very direct, straightforward and honest. That’s how I roll. And I’ve discovered time and time again that many people don’t like that especially when you’re a woman. Someone gave me good advice about how to modify my behavior when my first instinct might be to offer advice is to ask, “do you want me to just listen? Or do you want my feedback?” As much as I like to help others, honoring other people’s preferences is important. I didn’t realize how annoying I was being until a close friend starting offer me unsolicited advice. I was like, “Cut that out! Now!” I guess I learned something. It works both ways. lol.
I should have mentioned that asking this question is a pro skill that will spare a lot of grief
The foundation of trust is huge. Socrates embodies that middle way... a gadfly stinging the lazy horse of Athens into action and a midwife helping others birth their own wisdom
I think it's the addict personality, or DNA strand, or whatever it is, which is "all or nothing", and I have that thing also. It has served me very well in some areas, and very poorly in others. You are right - be like water.
But then is it possible to take the all-or-nothing tendency into moderation itself? I honestly don't know lol
Lol, with you, I don't think any person I know would associate me with "moderation"
As a somatic practitioner, navigating when to offer gentle guidance or direct truth is an art that requires finely-honed intuition. It's a skill cultivated over time and deepened through ongoing practice, allowing you to sense the right moments to provide that unfiltered insight. A dear friend and student of mine once told me I’m intense, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s another key…having an established relationship and understanding of someone’s needs.
I used to always get "you're intense" feedback too, ha. That's become a bit less frequent, but still there. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Really smart, I appreciate this essay. I think you hit the nail on the head at the end, with the call for either directness or softness coming from beyond the thinking mind. We can trust that our directness serves because it comes from a place that is not egoic; it’s rooted in our trust of our own feelings. That kind of response is going to have to come into Western therapeutic rooms if they have any hope of healing via authentic relationship, which is one where both parties express themselves, I feel.
Extremely well said, Rob.
Supporting every inner-transformation there are two wolves — a Joe Hudson-type figure dishing out the fierce love + a Steve March-esque spaceholder vibing with self-unfoldment — which one do you feed? ;)
I think for me the question comes down to love and discernment. There are clearly times when some gentle patience and understanding is the loving, understanding way to handle something. Other times it is more loving to tell people the truths they are hiding from themselves, despite being harsh or blunt to hear.
There are times in which mistakes will happen, but it is my opinion that if the love and good intentions are there, and you are paying attention, you will feel the right way to proceed most times.
Pure intentions go a very long way in this regard
I listen to my gut instinct. It's never wrong! One of the valuable skills I learned in recovery is to listen to my gut. So important with a sponsee. Some can take it hard and some need it soft. When I'm getting in touch with what someone needs, I feel like I'm on a high wire - which way is the wind blowing?? <3
Like that idea of feeling for the wind
I love this, Alex. I feel like most important things are a balance of seeming opposites. This example resonated deeply with me, as I have been told and witnessed that my “passion” can scare people. I’ve also learned to be quiet and still and present through sitting with the dying. Now, when I am with another human, and I feel the passion rise, I go deep to find the source before I let it fly. “Is this me needing to make a point or prove something to myself? Or am I truly tapping in to the soul in front of me who needs to borrow my passion for a moment so they can tap into their own?” I’m not perfect at pausing and successfully analyzing this important question yet, but I get better at it every time I try.
That question, whether it's me needing to make a point or prove something, really cuts to the heart of the matter. Thanks so much for this, Catherine
Absolutely excellent piece! Don't we all experience this dilemma in our lives? Laura's comment about being "willing" is "firmly rooted in codependency" resonated deeply with me. After years of being married to a man who could be ruthlessly insensitive and even abusive at times, I was finally able to recognize that I desperately needed to be able to assert my myself. I could no longer feel safe with him continually saying he wanted to put me "six feet under"! I consulted with a lawyer about getting a divorce, because I wasn't sure if I even had a case! Even though I was not religious, having been raised Catholic I STILL felt guilty about entertaining the notion because, after all, marriage was for "until death do us part!" Besides, how could I deprive my three sons of their father? I had somehow allowed myself to believe that the marriage was failing because I did not love my husband enough. Even after meeting with the lawyer I was unable to take the first step. Ironically it was my BODY that communicated the urgent need for action! For about a month after the meeting, I experienced an unusual response to eating. I'd get intense stomach pains which, I discovered after a week, could only be relieved by vomiting. After a few weeks, I went to the doctor who could find nothing wrong with me. Desperate, I decided to try a Reiki practitioner recommended to me by a woman I'd met. Because I was still a bit skeptical of "new age" alternative practitioners, I intentionally did not relay what was ailing me. She directed me to lie face down on her table and after passing her hands over my back, asked me if I had been trying to empower myself. I was struck by the cogency of this question. She proceeded to do what seemed like hocus pocus, never even touching my body and I thought to myself I had just wasted $75! After the session I finally shared what my symptoms had been. She reassured me I could eat anything! I initially I didn't believe her, but she was right. The stomach troubles were over! Thinking back on her initial question, as well as realizing that my health issue revolved around my solar plexus, the chakra associated self-assertion and empowerment, I realized my body was communicating my resistance to its wisdom.
Wow, Larissa, thank you so much for sharing this. Appreciate you pointing out that it was your body that communicated the urgency, as the body always seems to carry that deeper intelligence. And what a testimonial for Reiki. That's wild. Do you still receive it?